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So, Kevin calls 911 and says “I think my girlfriend is dead”.
The operator says, “How do you know?”
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest
penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend
yet.
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Kevin told me he went for a routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until the doctor stuck his index finger up his butt!
He asked me "Do you think I should change dentists?"
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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my
back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated
but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
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At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one
point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!
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One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in
cells.
It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children oriented
iPod after realizing that ”iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
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There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've
been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
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You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly
past schools.
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Kevin just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
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I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I saidto the lady at the
registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is_disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
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The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love too, but our garden hose
only reaches the driveway.
_________________
Dick MacKenzie
''Life's tough......it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' -- John Wayne
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